So, this is basically just a follow up on my previous post and something I really just need to get off my chest. I'm not trying to sell anyone a sob-story or get people to feel sorry for me, I am just freely venting. What happened today brought up some bad memories from my past, and they are things I haven't told a single person about, including my parents. From about the 6th grade until somewhere toward the beginning/middle of my 8th grade year, I had suicidal thoughts. Being called names, including what I was called today, made me feel like I had no worth. I thought that everyone hated me and that the world would be better off if I was gone. I mean, I had already driven my dad off when I was 8 or 9, so I just assumed I was unable to be loved. I used to write suicide/run-away letters that I kept in an envelope and hid in my sock drawer, and then in my closet. I imagined killing myself and Googled the least painful ways to do it. I once even tried to suffocate myself with a pillow which, looking back, seemed like a really dumb way to try. I seriously hated myself so much.
Switching to a Christian school in 8th grade definitely helped with that and caused me to discover that I actually had self-worth. I slowly eased away from having suicidal thoughts and stopped writing the letters. When I was packing to leave for college, I found the letters and read through some of them. I started crying too hard to get through them all, but then I realized that everything in those letters was a thing of the past that I didn't need to worry about anymore. But then today happened. I didn't know that signing up to run for a class office would result in one of my campaign posters being ripped down and me being called a lesbian. I don't think people expected it to hurt me as much as it did, but it really made me travel back to a dark place in my life. I put on a smile and made jokes about it all day after I was told about it, until about 45 minutes ago. I spent about 30 minutes bawling my eyes out in the shower, wondering what I did to make people not like me or to think those things about me. I'm crying and shaking as I write this post, but I just felt like I needed to vent or things would just get worse. Again, this isn't me trying to get people to feel sorry for me, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Stay strong! Those girls don't matter. You are the only person who can know exactly who you are and you are made perfect in the image of God. You are an amazing person and anyone who wants to judge you based on something you like, then they too will eventually be judged.
ReplyDeleteJessica u are A very smart beautiful young lady some people look for mean things to say because they are Jelous and have no life. As far a your dad ghats not anyone's fault but his its sad yes but u have one heck of a mom that makes up for it keep going sweety ur going to make a great life for yourself and your family one day!♡ u
ReplyDeletePrayers for your strength and insight to your inner beauty and worth. Please find someone to talk to at school..a guidance counselor or professor. Let them know about these girls and their behavior.It bothers me that these "Christian" girls have so much hatred for fellow classmates....you and LGBT students. What is in their mind to think the worse thing ever is to call you a lesbian? Sounds like they have some serious questions about their own identity. Aunt Jan
ReplyDeleteI often don't share my own backstory because I don't like thinking about it, but I do understand how even one thing can bring back horrible memories. A lot of people are here for you and so am I. My advice: show them the love of God in everything.
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